Question by Ich_Hoffe: HELP!!! Misguided Homosexual just wants to be ok with who he is?
Ok…. i’ve got some issues….
Basically, in a nut shell, i’m a 23 year old gay man trying to associate with other homosexual men but just doing it in the worse way possible. Which is basically trying to hard…
It’s like this, I’m not who the person who I present myself to be when i’m around gay men, which is basically this young boastful aspiring opera singer, who ALWAYS dresses to the 9′s even in 100 degree weather. Am I an apsiring opera singer? HELL YES! but i’m not one to boast about it. Do I like to dress up and look nice? Sure, but i’d rather shop at the Target or Kohls and spend $ 80 on 3 pairs of jeans and 2 shirts rather than go to Nordstrom and spend $ 80 on a fucking hat.
We all know that the gay community can be as pretentios and superficial as hell, and when I came out and started really trying to associate with gay men, they basically told me “Forget about your personality, who you are, as long as you have that stomach and weigh that much, NO man is going to want to talk to you.” I listened and took it to heart. I lost the weight (over 100lbs) changed what I wore, acted a different way, starting drinking certain drinks. Because I just saw that around me, and i felt like i had to do the same thing. I guess what i’m trying to say is, even though I may have lost the weight, yet still single, I don’t want people to think that something is wrong with my weight b/c i’m single or that i’m just completely unworthy, and i feel like no gay man could possibly want to be friends with who I am minus the pretense.But it’s not like I’m making any friends with the pretense either. It’s like because I’m not the epitome of an abercrombie (even though I made a SUBSTANTIAL WEIGHT LOSS, I don’t look anything like I used to but i’m naturally a stout guy) model, I feel like I have to work EXTRA hard just to prove to people that i’m not complrely unfourtuante.. so i’m willing to go a pool party wearing a shirt tie and vest and make up an excuse for it (I.E. just got back from a solo gig, or had a church event), I’m willing to go get my hair cut and crop my hair before walking into gay man’s choir rehearsal. This really shouldn’t bother me, seeing as I have to get ready for my graduate school auditions and do everything that needs to be done with that, but it does. I’m a gay man, and is it asking too much to want to associate with other gay men.. i just feel like i’m missing something… whether it be weight, color of skin, brand of clothes.. i kinda wish someone would just sit me down and tell me what’s wrong…
I could care less about going out to clubs, I’m fine dancing in my basement and listening to music and dancing there, I could give 2 shits about clothes, I worked at Abercrombie and fucking hated it.. , hell before i was gay and while i was fat, I work the first thing i saw in my closet, I didn’t care… I JUST DIDN’T!!!!! The only reason why I act like i cared is b/c i’ve never been accepted by anyone… always the wierd one…finally i just decided to be like everyone else..
I want to get to the point where even if I am still fat, i’m the ugliest gay man to exist, even if i’m just plain boring… that it doesn’t make me any better.
My next door neighbors just so happen to be gay men .. which I think is really totally awesome (if you just so happend to be reading this…oh well..) and i’m just amazed at myself about the total histrionics I went through just to get their attention, for example,when washing my car or cleaning I would blare music up loud, music that, though not “Vogue” or “It’s raining men” (both songs i really could care less about, I’ll take Recondita Armonia and Tchaikovsky’s Spanish Dance from Swan Lake anytime over that shit) it was music normally, people of my age and color don’t normally listen to unless they were “special” but then as i think of it… I wonder if they really even thought of it like that or were they just like ” ok, he likes different kind of music”. I kinda felt like in someway I’m kinda insulting them by referring to them as my gay neighbors and not just my neighbors, and I shouldn’t expect them to treat me any differently b/c I just so happened to be gay myself. I just simply think that knocking on their door and saying hey and introducing myself would’ve been a better way to approach them…. but the things going in my head were
*What if they think i’m too fat?
*What if they don’t like black people?
*What if they think i’m just a bore?……Pretention time!
I finally got to the point where I wasn’t going to try to force a friendship, and let it just happen naturally, and not go out of my way to try to get them to notice me… though i was invited to their upcoming party… yay…
Who I really am is not awful at all, I’m nice, sweet, have funny stories to tell, great with kids, passionate about his singing, just wants to be accepted for who he is and not how I can make you look. Though I have to watch i’m not doing the same thing ei
Best answer:
Answer by C-MickeyD キリスト
wow
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{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
Congratulations on the weight loss. Just be yourself. But, there is nothing wrong trying to get people’s attention. That’s what life is about. Do you think that all men and women like dressing nice, shaving, and exercising…probably not. But we all do things to conform to society. Don’t overdo it from now on, but you should try to fit in…I would rather see a guy looking nice than a guy looking like a bum.
It doesn’t sound like a gay question but a self-esteem problem.
Try to be more confident. You know you’re great. Now take the focus off yourself and onto the other person. Pretention is about not being who you are because you don’t have confidence in yourself.
I am only 15, and I am a straight girl, so I’m sorry to say I don’t really have any advice. The only thing I can say is keep looking, don’t give up, and be comfortable with who you are! If you aren’t, then you can’t get anywhere. A friend once said to me “Don’t be afraid to reach out to someone. If they don’t want to be friends with you, just move on to the next person!” I guess life is just better if we don’t over analyze. (coming from the queen of over analyzing). I’m sure you are a great person, so don’t doubt yourself when you meet people. Just take a deep breath and be exactly who you are. You don’t even have to think about it. The more you realize that it doesn’t matter what one specific person thinks, the easier it will get. Good luck! Hope you find the perfect person sometime soon.
We should talk. e-mail me sometime. are you in california?
Well, interesting…
So you’re asking how can you be ok with who you are?
Well, that’s a toughie. It took me a while, and sometimes I still question how I act, what I wear, etc.
Oh but before I forget – that thing about trying to get your neighbors’ attention is funny to me, because I always do that around gay women, haha. I’ll whistle a song or something and see if they notice, or I’ll let my voice go deep or something… It’s totally childish and stupid but it’s like…. I don’t know.
Anyway. The key here is overthinking. You start to think about what people think about you, and then you start to stress out and think about how you act rather than just being yourself. When I stopped trying to like guys or be cool around them (realizing that I didn’t want to snag one anyway), they started paying attention to me… Go figure.
Part of it is self-confidence. If you don’t think you’re worthy in and of yourself to be appealing to people, then you won’t be – you’ll act the part. Honestly, people are not all as shallow as we would have them to believe. Would you really be interested in someone who would reject you initially because of your weight or race? Nah. Forget them.
I’m sure you look great if you’ve lost 100 lbs – and that’s really awesome. I don’t think I would have the fortitude to do that. However, you should not be thinking, “I lost all this weight for other people’s attention and they aren’t paying me any” but “I lost this weight to gain some self confidence, and I look better than ever.” It’s all about your mindset. It might take some self-training, but you have to tell yourself that you are worthy of love and friendship just how you are. If you find yourself acting pretentious, just force yourself to stop thinking about how you’re acting. Let the words flow off your tongue naturally and just, well, act natural. It sounds kind of pointless to say and like it’s not really advice, but you have to train yourself to stop thinking about things and just do what feels right.
Not every gay man is shalllow only interested in “hot gay men” not all gay men like to go clubbing. U need to decide to love yourself for who you are and then others will love that you as well