Question by b: Can you score/ criticize my SAT practice essay?
Reality television programs, which feature real people engaged in real activities rather than professional actors performing scripted scenes, are increasingly popular. These shows depict ordinary people competing in everything from singing and dancing to losing weight, or just living their everyday lives. Most people believe that the reality these shows portray is authentic, but they are being misled. How authentic can these shows be when producers design challenges for the participants and then editors alter filmed scenes?
Assignment: Do people benefit from forms of entertainment that show so-called reality, or are such forms of entertainment harmful? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.
Little benefit is derived from watching reality T.V. shows. Some people may consider these shows entertainment but they are actually very harmful to a person’s physical and mental well-being.
The reality show “The Biggest Loser” presents everyday overweight people trying to lose weight. People watch the show to be entertained or in most cases—to learn how to lose weight. However, sitting in front of the T.V. is a lot different than getting up to exercise like the reality “stars”. Most Americans sit on their couch eating nachos while watching overweight people exercise across the screen. The reality show sucks people into a world that does not exist. It just makes people less of what they want to be—fat and unhealthy.
Besides causing weight-gain, watching reality T.V. shows can harm people physically in terms of eyesight, while gaining weight, people lose their vision, partly because weight-gain contributes to this harmful side effect, and mostly because sitting a few feet in front of a bight screen for hours a week is a leading cause in vision-loss. Watching MTV’s “Real World: Life as a Blind Person” will not help people or their vision in any way; it will only cause more harm.
Mental harm is also caused by reality shows. For instance, a person who spends copious hours watching “American Idol” will never get the hour spent back to use for something useful as practicing their singing. If that person’s dream is to become a renowned singer, they must practice singing and take the required steps into making a studio album. Watching other people’s dreams come true will only cause physiological harm. That aspiring singer will be let down by all the successes on the show which may or may not be real, and never pursue their dream. For that person, it may seem impossible to reach their dreams because they have never even tried singing in front of anyone but their T.V. As a result, that person may become depresses, turn to illegal substances, and commit suicide. Al of this could happen just by watching petty reality T.V. shows.
The percentage of people who take action due to reality shows is minuscule. Likewise, the “entertaining” reality shows cause more harm than benefits.
Answer by Rachel
okay… you actually have a lot of work to do:P
- first of all, NEVER ABBREVIATE!! write out “television” instead of “T.V.”
- reduce your use of to-be verbs (is, were, be, etc)
- “The reality show ‘The Biggest Loser’ presents everyday overweight people trying to lose weight.” too repetitive —> The reality show “The Biggest Loser” presents overweight people attempting to fight obesity.
- you missed several comma’s
- “Most Americans sit on their couch eating nachos while watching overweight people exercise across the screen.” This can offend your essay- grader, esp if he/she is American. Also, this is DEFINITELY not true. yes, MANY Americans do that, but you cannot say “most.”
- “It just makes people less of what they want to be—fat and unhealthy.” colloquial –> change the “just” into “simply.” When you put it this way, you are saying that what “they want to be” is “fat and unhealthy.” Also, what is “it?” It’s ambiguous, even if it may be obvious to you. —> These visual attractions reverse the trail to healthiness.
- first sentence of second paragraph is a run-on.
- stop repeating…
- there are prob numerous other mistakes, but I am too tired to find them (slept at 3am yesterday, and had STAR testing/wasting in the morning DX) lol. ughh STAR’s such a waste of time. At least I get to sleep for the other 45 mins:P
okay, i’m sorry, but i have to sleep, as I am extremely tired. Anyways, i’m not trying to be mean, but you still have some work to do. I hope these comments help you anyways, and good luck!(:
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